Oh look! America and Zimbabwe are “starting fresh.” Again. For the 900th time. The U.S. has now discovered that Zimbabwe could be “a great partner.”
No shit, Sherlock. Anyone can be a great partner as long as they have lithium, gold, and a government desperate enough to smile at whoever shows up with a business card.
And the Herald is acting like this is the Second Coming. They always do. You could tell them a giraffe has been appointed Minister of Mines and they’d write a 3-page editorial about “the visionary long-necked leadership ushered in by the Second Republic.”
The U.S. ambassador Tremont says they’re shifting from donor aid to trade and “true partnership.” Cute. Very cute. Like a girl who’s been ghosting you for years suddenly texting, “Hey stranger, let’s try again.” Meanwhile the Herald is out here describing the U.S. as a “reliable and dependable partner for 45 years.”
Forty-five years, bro? Are we reading the same timeline? Did I fall asleep during the part where sanctions, travel bans, and angry press statements were considered “dependable friendship”? What next? ZESA will claim electricity has been reliable for 45 years? Zinara will swear roads have always been smooth?
Then the article drops this masterpiece:
“Trump’s administration has been drifting away from coercion and imposition of Western liberal ideology…”
HERALD, PLEASE.
I’m begging you.
Stop saying “liberal ideology” like you’re exposing the Illuminati. It sounds like Saul Goodman’s elder brother Chuck from Better Call Saul complaining about electromagnetic signals giving him headaches. Every time someone repressive uses the phrase liberal ideology, somewhere in the world a journalist faints and a dictionary bursts into flames.
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Also, Trump? The man who once tried to ban refugees, wanted a border wall, and called African nations “shitholes”? That guy is suddenly a champion of non-coercive engagement? Okay. Sure. And I’m a ballet dancer.
Let’s talk about this “mutual cooperation” fantasy. America wants minerals. Zimbabwe wants legitimacy. Everyone is lying to everyone. It’s fine. It’s geopolitics. But please spare us the romantic language. This is not a partnership. This is two people in a toxic situationship telling each other, “This time it’ll be different.”
The ambassador says they want to work together on “migration, asylum abuse, and trafficking in persons.” Translation: “Stop dumping your economic refugees on our border.”
Then there’s the bit about “transitioning responsibility” for health programs back to Zimbabwe in five years. HAHAHAHAHA. Sure. Just like how we “transitioned” agriculture from farmers to ministers with large hats. This is basically the diplomatic version of: We’re cutting the funding but trying not to sound like assholes.
And you have to love how the Herald frames everything as proof of Mnangagwa’s diplomatic genius. They could write:
“ALIENS LAND IN HARARE, SEEK HALF OF POPULATION TO USE AS SLAVES – PRESIDENT EMMERSON MNANGAGWA’S GVT PRAISED FOR SUCCESSFUL RE-ENGAGEMENT WITH GALACTIC PARTNERS.”
The entire article reads like a toxic ex rewriting history to make themselves look loyal.
Meanwhile the U.S. is simply saying one thing:
“We want your minerals, and we’ll pretend we like your government for as long as that helps us get them.”
Zimbabwe replies:
“Cool. Just don’t embarrass us in public.”
And The Herald, the eternal hype-man, screams:
“THIS IS DEMOCRACY CRUSHING LIBERAL IDEOLOGY AND RISING LIKE A GLORIOUS SUNRISE.”
Honestly?
Everybody in this story is full of shit.
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