Oh look! America and Zimbabwe are “starting fresh.” Again. For the 900th time. The U.S. has now discovered that Zimbabwe could be “a great partner.”
No shit, Sherlock. Anyone can be a great partner as long as they have lithium, gold, and a government desperate enough to smile at whoever shows up with a business card.
And the Herald is acting like this is the Second Coming. They always do. You could tell them a giraffe has been appointed Minister of Mines and they’d write a 3-page editorial about “the visionary long-necked leadership ushered in by the Second Republic.”
The U.S. ambassador Tremont says they’re shifting from donor aid to trade and “true partnership.” Cute. Very cute. Like a girl who’s been ghosting you for years suddenly texting, “Hey stranger, let’s try again.” Meanwhile the Herald is out here describing the U.S. as a “reliable and dependable partner for 45 years.”
Forty-five years, bro? Are we reading the same timeline? Did I fall asleep during the part where sanctions, travel bans, and angry press statements were considered “dependable friendship”? What next? ZESA will claim electricity has been reliable for 45 years? Zinara will swear roads have always been smooth?
Then the article drops this masterpiece:
“Trump’s administration has been drifting away from coercion and imposition of Western liberal ideology…”
HERALD, PLEASE.
I’m begging you.
Stop saying “liberal ideology” like you’re exposing the Illuminati. It sounds like Saul Goodman’s elder brother Chuck from Better Call Saul complaining about electromagnetic signals giving him headaches. Every time someone repressive uses the phrase liberal ideology, somewhere in the world a journalist faints and a dictionary bursts into flames.
Are you enjoying reading this post? Receive Notifications via email when new articles are published
Also, Trump? The man who once tried to ban refugees, wanted a border wall, and called African nations “shitholes”? That guy is suddenly a champion of non-coercive engagement? Okay. Sure. And I’m a ballet dancer.
Let’s talk about this “mutual cooperation” fantasy. America wants minerals. Zimbabwe wants legitimacy. Everyone is lying to everyone. It’s fine. It’s geopolitics. But please spare us the romantic language. This is not a partnership. This is two people in a toxic situationship telling each other, “This time it’ll be different.”
The ambassador says they want to work together on “migration, asylum abuse, and trafficking in persons.” Translation: “Stop dumping your economic refugees on our border.”
Then there’s the bit about “transitioning responsibility” for health programs back to Zimbabwe in five years. HAHAHAHAHA. Sure. Just like how we “transitioned” agriculture from farmers to ministers with large hats. This is basically the diplomatic version of: We’re cutting the funding but trying not to sound like assholes.
And you have to love how the Herald frames everything as proof of Mnangagwa’s diplomatic genius. They could write:
“ALIENS LAND IN HARARE, SEEK HALF OF POPULATION TO USE AS SLAVES – PRESIDENT EMMERSON MNANGAGWA’S GVT PRAISED FOR SUCCESSFUL RE-ENGAGEMENT WITH GALACTIC PARTNERS.”
The entire article reads like a toxic ex rewriting history to make themselves look loyal.
Meanwhile the U.S. is simply saying one thing:
“We want your minerals, and we’ll pretend we like your government for as long as that helps us get them.”
Zimbabwe replies:
“Cool. Just don’t embarrass us in public.”
And The Herald, the eternal hype-man, screams:
“THIS IS DEMOCRACY CRUSHING LIBERAL IDEOLOGY AND RISING LIKE A GLORIOUS SUNRISE.”
Honestly?
Everybody in this story is full of shit.
Did you enjoy reading this post? Receive Notifications via email when new articles are published
Latest Articles
- Building The United States’ Golden Dome Missile Defense System And How To Start A Space WarIn May 2025, the world got a first-hand look at what a modern missile defense system looks like during a major international conflict, when Israel attacked Iran and triggered a rapid retaliation. What most people saw was a piece of Israeli Missile Defense system referred to as the Iron Dome. But that name hides a more complicated reality. The Iron Dome is only the lowest …
- IshowSpeed coming to ZimbabweMarondera – Darren Jason Watkins Jr., the American internet personality better known as IShowSpeed, is expected to visit Zimbabwe as part of an ambitious tour spanning 20 African countries, a move that signals a growing shift in how global digital culture engages with the continent. Watkins, just 20 years old, has become one of the most influential livestreamers of his generation, commanding tens of millions …
- Us vs ThemThere’s no “us.” There’s no “them.” There’s only the comfort of pretending there is. People need enemies the way lungs need air. Conflict gives meaning to the meaningless.Without opposition, identity collapses. So we build one. We draw lines on maps, then forget who drew them. Every tribe begins as fear, then calls itself culture.We love belonging because it saves us from thinking.It’s easier to chant …
- We Turned Horniness Into An IndustryLet me explain this slowly, because if you blinked for five minutes in June, you might’ve missed the moment humanity officially gave up pretending it had standards. An actress, Sydney Sweeney, famous, attractive, very online-adjacent, partnered with a men’s grooming company called Dr Squatch to release a limited-edition bar of soap. Five thousand bars. Eight dollars each. And the marketing hook, the thing that made …
- Smoke ScreensThe Epstein Files were supposed to be a revelation.A ledger of the powerful written in ink, not whispers.Promises were made. Promises were repeated.They claimed the truth would come out.The fog would lift.Transparency was the campaign slogan. Then the files arrived.And almost everything was blank.Pages upon pages covered in black boxes.Names, conversations, details, gone.Block after block of censorship.Critics call it about 90 percent redacted. That is …
- The Redacted States Of AmericaThey finally released the Epstein files. And by “released,” I mean they handed the public a stack of black rectangles wrapped in patriotic bullshit and said, ‘here you go, transparency.’ Not truth, mind you. Not accountability either. Transparency cosplay. The kind where the light technically passes through, but you still can’t see a fucking thing. Page after page after page looks like it lost a …
- We Cant Have Shit AnymoreSomewhere out there, a very tired underpaid FBI agent had to write a sentence that would’ve sounded insane just ten years ago. “Criminals may use AI-generated images to fake kidnappings and demand ransom.” That sentence alone should qualify us for a species-wide timeout. And of course the internet did what the internet does and immediately joked about how this will disrupt the real kidnapping industry. …
- Africa is The New Cold War FrontYou ever feel like the whole damn planet suddenly remembered Africa exists. Not because they actually give a shit about Africans, but because the minerals are running low everywhere else and China has been scooping up the continent like it’s a Black Friday sale? Because that’s exactly what’s happening. And now, out of nowhere, every global superpower is acting like they’ve always loved us, like …
- My Unorthodox Thoughts On The US-Zimbabwe Partnership ResetOh look! America and Zimbabwe are “starting fresh.” Again. For the 900th time. The U.S. has now discovered that Zimbabwe could be “a great partner.” No shit, Sherlock. Anyone can be a great partner as long as they have lithium, gold, and a government desperate enough to smile at whoever shows up with a business card. And the Herald is acting like this is the …
- The World Didn’t Sign Up To Be America’s Captive Audience (But Here We Are)Sometimes I look at my social media feed and wonder when exactly I became an unpaid U.S. political analyst, commentator or whatever. I live thousands of kilometers away, my taxes don’t go there, I don’t vote there, and yet every day I’m force-fed a steady diet of American political drama like it’s my emotional multivitamin. I open TikTok: screaming match between a congressman and a …
- America’s Love Affair With “The End Of The World”Some days I think the United States doesn’t actually want to fix anything. I think the country is addicted to decline the same way some people are addicted to astrology. I think that’s bcause it’s easier to believe Mercury is in retrograde than to admit you forgot to pay your bills. Everyone is screaming about apocalypse like it’s a sport. Right-wing apocalypse, left-wing apocalypse, climate …
Zealous Thierry 